The UpDown Pt.2

There it is again.

That feeling.

The one where it feels as though there are burning hot coals radiating from your chest into your throat. I know if I tried to scream, if I tried to even speak, I would end up gasping for air just to breathe. At this point it’s a physiological response to the psychological pain.

What triggered this…boundaries. Or lack thereof. These “protective barriers” are great to put into place, but when they are infiltrated, you often feel a lack of self control… like someone coming over and snatching your clothes from right off your back. There is that moment where you can respond but instead you find yourself frozen in shame and feeling helpless while in a massive state of debilitating confusion.

My boundary for emotional safety hood has been crossed and I am now compromised. But what do I do?

Right now all I can grasp onto is nothingness as though I am drowning… reaching again and again for a life preserver to keep me afloat.

I wish.

I wish I was floating along, able to feel the breeze of His wind sweep as light as a feather against my cheek. The softness to bring comfort within His presence.

Why is there no in between? Why is it one extreme to another?

The one side being His goodness and the extreme opposite being a shower of sorrow. I guess that is what the pure, unfiltered, non biased yet fully intimate love from God gives us… compared to the cold and heartless unfortunate gesture of man.

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Why can’t I control the “low” if I am actively choosing to seek my “why”? Why do I feel the grit of this grief amongst His gift of abundant grace? Today I will take a step out. Instead of treading water to prevent from drowning in self pity, I am choosing joy. Life giving, freedom-willing joy.